FrankenSnow & The Seven Igors by Jenn Webster!!


KALEIDOSCOPE is very happy to present this blog post adaptation of a story that I have written for my podcast, “KALEIDOSCOPE Time” (view my last post “A Halloween Fairy Tale” (KALEIDOSCOPE TIME PODCAST)…This happens to be a parody of a time-honored fairy tale that has been loved by many; So, without further ado, and in time for that most ghoulish and foolish of holidays, Halloween, here is “FrankenSnow & The Seven Igors”, with the top and bottom illustrations by yours truly… 


Once upon a time, there was a royal pain-in-the-neck, with a face that could match any mother-in-law: She was the Vampire Queen, and she lived in a beautifully horrible castle. One awful day, the vampire queen was looking at the mirror, and asked, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the most ugliest woman of all?!” and then the mirror asked, “Why, my beauty, you are ugly, tis true, but your stepdaughter, FrankenSnow, is far more uglier than you, and she gives Jodie Whittaker a run for her money!!” (I do not mean any offense, it is just a gag.)
The vampire queen became very angry, and she has sent for her hunchbacked henchman to try and…er…do something awful to FrankenSnow…So, pretty little ugly FrankenSnow was taken to the woods by the vampire queen’s henchmen, but he became so very smitten by her heavenly ugliness that he just did not have the heart to…do something awful to he. So the hunchbacked henchmen told FrankenSnow to run farther into the forest, in which she did…
Just then, FrankenSnow sees a wonderfully despicable cottage; She opens the door, and finally learns that it happens to be the house of the seven little Igors, yes, you heard me right: SEVEN IGORS! 

And so, little FrankenSnow became very tired, and then she began laying down on the seven beds; Just then, the seven Igors came home after a horribly good day’s work, just to find that FrankenSnow was lying on all seven of their beds! She wakes up and tells them that she had been hiding from the evil vampire queen and that she needed a place to stay. FrankenSnow’s most beautiful ugliness was charming enough for the seven Igors to offer her a place to stay…
Meanwhile, over at the vampire queen’s ugly palace, she asked the mirror once more, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most ugliest of all?!” and as usual, the mirror replied, “It ain’t you, babe!” “But how could this be?!” the vampire queen snapped, “how could FrankenSnow be alive?!” and the mirror replied, “How the heck should I know?! You never see me complain about my mother-in-law, do you?!?” This made the vampire queen very angry. So, she went down into the moat and went fishing; She caught a fish, and then created a potion called “Everlasting Sleep” (because truthfully, nobody wants to upset the kids who may be reading this tale by them hearing about killing someone with poi-son, son!); She then filled the potion into a needle and then injected it into the fish. Then, she puts the fish into the basket, disguises herself as a beautiful blonde lady while saying to herself, “Jodie Whittaker, eat your heart out!” (again, this is only a gag…) She then walks into the forest carrying the basket that has the fish…
Now, at the cottage in the forest, one of the seven Igors told FrankenSnow not to open the door for anyone in the house; While she was cooking and cleaning, FrankenSnow saw a rather beautiful woman crying on the ground because she has injured her foot or something or other…FrankenSnow offered her to come into the cottage to rest. The lady, who is actually the vampire queen in disguise, offered FrankenSnow the fish, which she took it and became very happy, thus eating the whole, entire thing up, and…FrankenSnow fell asleep. Geez, we just could not ever believe that she ate that whole thing… 

The vampire queen then went back to the wonderfully horrible palace and then looked in the mirror asking that very same question as before, and of course, the answer was just the same as it ever was, as the queen looked at the mirror and saw that FrankenSnow had been awakened by the FrankenPrince by removing a piece of fish from her mouth; She then saw that he asked FrankenSnow for her hand in marriage, and that she ever-so-did! The royal vampire queen then gave up the royal life and went on to become a housewife in New Jersey…(for all that we know.)
And so, FrankenSnow and FrankenPrince were finally married, with the seven Igors becoming the seven best men, and they all lived horribly ever after.

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