Erasing a Painful Memory…

BAD MEMORIES.jpg
(Digital artwork by yours truly…)

     If there were memories that I really want to get rid of, and I wish that I would like to, they are these: I wish that my mother was not an alcoholic and that my stepfather would not ever be a heroin addict. You see, they have been so very addicted to these vices for all of those years, and even though they have tried to quit, they had fallen back to the same old darkness; Just before she died, my mother had been off the booze, but had still been addicted to a drug called Ativan, or something like that. Unfortunately, she passed away in October 2004, and nearly 15 years later, I still wished that I could change my mother, but there was absolutely nothing that I could do. Still, I press on…
My stepfather had tried his best to deal with his wife’s and my mother’s death as much as he ever could, but he would think that the only way to ease the pain would be nothing but whiskey; He bought and downed each and every bottle of that whiskey until that night on December of 2011 that dad was experiencing pains in his stomach…

     That night, a couple of days before the New Year of 2012, dad had been rushed to the hospital; All throughout the night, I had waited for word about my dad while I had prayed for a somehow speedy recovery…
The very next morning was also the day that would change my very life forever…I got a call to the hospital saying that I should come right away. So, I went to the hospital, saying to myself, “Hang on, dad, I’m on my way…” I made it to the hospital, and I asked the receptionist what room my dad was in, and she said the I.C.U. (Intensive Care Unit), or I think something like that, I dunno…
I saw my dad on the hospital bed, and I just could not believe that this was happening-This was a dad who, even though he has many flaws in his life, was somehow like a real father to me, a father that I never had. I looked at my dad in that hospital bed, and I just cried. I even cried when the doctors sense something wrong with my father’s heart, and one of the nurses took me into a room where I could cry my heart out…

     I sat in that room crying as well as praying that dad would pull through this somehow; Then one doctor told me that my dad was very, very sick and that he would not ever make it through the night. I was ordered that I have to say goodbye to my father, and so I did. And afterward, I went with my brother to his house…
Of course, I am thinking that most of you readers know what happened next, do you? Well, it is very well true. I have lost my very own stepfather that day of December 29th, 2011, and that day is somehow stamped in my painful memories that had been etched in my mind for so very long, and believe me, if there was one memory that I would surely love to erase, it happens to be this one. I wish I could, but I just could never take away that memory, but I still have thoughts every now and then about what I could have done to stop my dad from downing too much whiskey that resulted in his death. But I do not think that there is no magic power or time machine that would make me go back in time and to correct the wrong that has been committed…
However, not very long ago, a therapist whom I visited once told me that I cannot be responsible for another person’s mistake and that the mistake was entirely his own. And I somehow understood that, even though I would still wish at times that I would find some way to correct that mistake, but there is nothing that I could do; No choice but to move forward.

I also wish that I could correct something else: I wished that I could have found a way to stop my first cousin from suddenly becoming a single father by impregnating who is now his former girlfriend; I had a thought at times that I would somehow find a way to go back in time and to undo my first cousin’s mistake, and then everything would be just fine, and that my cousin would continue to pursue his plans for his future, including finding a job, in which he has now, first as a dairy associate, but was then let go, and then is now a janitor at a school in Dover, Delaware, in which I now live.
No matter how hard you try, you just cannot erase bad memories; they are still stuck in your mind, perhaps for all time. But there happens to be a way to ignore the bad memories and to just try and concentrate on the good ones: Concentrate on your job, do something good for others who are suffering, and most importantly, just try and keep your chin up. No matter what.

 

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