💔 FALLING APART?💔


(Zentangle ®-inspired illustration by Jenn Webster)

Despite the many flaws that they have inside, I love my family so very much; Right after the sudden death of my stepfather in December of 2011, my uncle, aunt, and cousins welcomed me with open arms as well as warm hearts. In the few early years that I have been living with my family, I would go with my aunt and uncle on adventure trips, in places such as Rehoboth Beach and even New York City in December of 2012 to see the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. And yes, I even went on some journeys with them to Dover Days right here in Dover, Delaware…

But as those early years went by, my own family began to change: My first cousin had suddenly impregnated a young woman, in which he suddenly became a single father, and my 2nd cousin had since moved away from us and has now been living on his own. And what is even more, my uncle, aunt, and I do not ever go on trips anymore, and that is because they have now suddenly become grandparents, and they now have a grandson to help their son take care of, and now HE is the one who is going on trips with them.

And do you want to know something else? I really and truly want to talk to my family and to tell them what is exactly wrong with them, as well as asking them why they are acting this way; But do you want to know what their answer is? All they would ever say is: “Nothing”! They act as if they do not want to talk about anything that’s wrong in their lives, and to me that just simply breaks my heart.

Christians are supposed to lend a caring hand, because that is what we have been told to do in the Holy Bible-to help our fellow man. I have somehow been having this tremendous wanting to help my uncle and aunt, just in the same way that I had wanted and have been helping my stepfather whenever there is any time of trouble; I wanted to simply just ask them both that if they are in trouble and that they would very much like to talk to someone about it, they should please come to me. I want to help them, but I might be too scared of doing so, because of their loud voices and their continuous use of profanity. But regardless, my own heart wants to say to me that I should not be afraid of them, and that I should do something to help my uncle and aunt open up their shut-up hearts as well as their own problems to me.

I love my family with all of my heart and soul, and still do; But in truth, I do not know how much longer I would put up with their toxic behaviors. As of this moment in time, I am still working at my job, as food service cleaner for the company Sodexo at the Patterson Dining Facility at Dover Air Force Base in Dover, DE, and I am hoping to have enough money to have a place of my own in the very next year or so. But in the midst of that thought, I began to feel emotional about this, because if and when I finally have a place to live, then I would not ever be able to be around to help my family ever again. On the other side of my brain, I dream of one day leaving this family and to finally live a quiet, spiritual life once again, and this time I would hope to do so in a one-bedroom apartment.

But to tell you the honest truth, I am in a struggle between these two sides of my brain while I wonder which side of my own brain would very much want me to do first and foremost of all. Well, somehow, someway, before I myself plan on moving away, I have got to help my family open up their hearts to me, no matter how long it would very well take…♥️

My Next (Possible) Vacation…


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“If you could pack up and leave on vacation today, where would you be off to?” 

    Well, considering THAT kind of question, I would certainly have an answer that goes a little something like this:
Once upon a time, back in 2013, I went on my first solo vacation, and it was a special place that has been a very popular vacation spot for those who live in the tri-state area, especially Philadelphia: Wildwood, NJ, a place that has also been mentioned in a certain song by Bobby Rydell, “Wildwood Days”; I have had a great time on my first solo vacation there, riding some of the rides and even tasted their pizza, as well as relaxing on the beach…
Then, four years later, I went to Rehoboth Beach, which is located in Sussex County in Delaware; I had made a plan as to which I should do throughout my vacation week there, and I have made very good on my plans: I went to its famous Tanger Outlet Stores, then the Rehoboth Beach Museum, and the beach, among those that I had done what I had planned to do down there; Basically, I good time has been had by yours truly.

    Now, with the fact that I shall be closing down this here blog next month, it could be possible that I could finally spend the rest of my free time traveling, and if there was one place that I would very much like to travel to right now, it would be Ocean City, Maryland; At this point in time, I do not plan on going on any vacation this year, but in the next, say, six months after shutting down my blog, I would be making plans to go on vacation next summer, either to Wildwood, NJ or to Ocean City, MD, but that is going to be a long way off before I plan on making plans to go on next summer’s most exciting vacation.
A vacation is something in which creates memories that families and some people would have something to remember their most glorious time by. Life here on this great earth of ours is fragile, so the very best way for us to prove that fact is to enjoy ourselves with the very best things in life for as long as we ever can; The same can surely be said of taking summer vacations.

Erasing a Painful Memory…


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(Digital artwork by yours truly…)

     If there were memories that I really want to get rid of, and I wish that I would like to, they are these: I wish that my mother was not an alcoholic and that my stepfather would not ever be a heroin addict. You see, they have been so very addicted to these vices for all of those years, and even though they have tried to quit, they had fallen back to the same old darkness; Just before she died, my mother had been off the booze, but had still been addicted to a drug called Ativan, or something like that. Unfortunately, she passed away in October 2004, and nearly 15 years later, I still wished that I could change my mother, but there was absolutely nothing that I could do. Still, I press on…
My stepfather had tried his best to deal with his wife’s and my mother’s death as much as he ever could, but he would think that the only way to ease the pain would be nothing but whiskey; He bought and downed each and every bottle of that whiskey until that night on December of 2011 that dad was experiencing pains in his stomach…

     That night, a couple of days before the New Year of 2012, dad had been rushed to the hospital; All throughout the night, I had waited for word about my dad while I had prayed for a somehow speedy recovery…
The very next morning was also the day that would change my very life forever…I got a call to the hospital saying that I should come right away. So, I went to the hospital, saying to myself, “Hang on, dad, I’m on my way…” I made it to the hospital, and I asked the receptionist what room my dad was in, and she said the I.C.U. (Intensive Care Unit), or I think something like that, I dunno…
I saw my dad on the hospital bed, and I just could not believe that this was happening-This was a dad who, even though he has many flaws in his life, was somehow like a real father to me, a father that I never had. I looked at my dad in that hospital bed, and I just cried. I even cried when the doctors sense something wrong with my father’s heart, and one of the nurses took me into a room where I could cry my heart out…

     I sat in that room crying as well as praying that dad would pull through this somehow; Then one doctor told me that my dad was very, very sick and that he would not ever make it through the night. I was ordered that I have to say goodbye to my father, and so I did. And afterward, I went with my brother to his house…
Of course, I am thinking that most of you readers know what happened next, do you? Well, it is very well true. I have lost my very own stepfather that day of December 29th, 2011, and that day is somehow stamped in my painful memories that had been etched in my mind for so very long, and believe me, if there was one memory that I would surely love to erase, it happens to be this one. I wish I could, but I just could never take away that memory, but I still have thoughts every now and then about what I could have done to stop my dad from downing too much whiskey that resulted in his death. But I do not think that there is no magic power or time machine that would make me go back in time and to correct the wrong that has been committed…
However, not very long ago, a therapist whom I visited once told me that I cannot be responsible for another person’s mistake and that the mistake was entirely his own. And I somehow understood that, even though I would still wish at times that I would find some way to correct that mistake, but there is nothing that I could do; No choice but to move forward.

I also wish that I could correct something else: I wished that I could have found a way to stop my first cousin from suddenly becoming a single father by impregnating who is now his former girlfriend; I had a thought at times that I would somehow find a way to go back in time and to undo my first cousin’s mistake, and then everything would be just fine, and that my cousin would continue to pursue his plans for his future, including finding a job, in which he has now, first as a dairy associate, but was then let go, and then is now a janitor at a school in Dover, Delaware, in which I now live.
No matter how hard you try, you just cannot erase bad memories; they are still stuck in your mind, perhaps for all time. But there happens to be a way to ignore the bad memories and to just try and concentrate on the good ones: Concentrate on your job, do something good for others who are suffering, and most importantly, just try and keep your chin up. No matter what.